Rebecca's Mommy Milestones
Unlike most mothers, I assume, who think of their babies growing in stages – oh, he can hold his head up! Oh, he can sit! Oh, he can crawl! – I also think of stages but in a different way. The stage I’m at now is the stage where I walk around with sticky gunk on my face and mostly wear clothes I don’t care about. Because we’re at the starting-to-eat mashed up food stage.
While most mothers of newborns would simply say, “He’s eating solids now!” I think of it as “Mommy’s sticky stage,” where I have mashed up peaches behind my ears and mashed up green peas all over my pants. My son, at almost eight months, can almost crawl. I don’t think of this as the, “He can almost crawl stage!” with glee, like most mothers. I think of this as the, “Aww, crap. Time to get the baby-proofing done stage. Time to bring out the ugly gates and cover all the wall sockets!”
When I think of what comes next, what most mothers would think as the walking stage and the talking stage, I think of as the, “Ok, the easy part of having a baby phase is over and now I’m going to have to watch him every single second phase.” And also, I’m going to have to start watching my language phase, because I don’t want his first words to be “shit.”
Other mothers may think of the teething phase, and say things to others like, “He’s just in a bad mood because he’s teething.” I think of it as, “Stock up on the Tylenol phase.”
I think this way probably because I’m a second time mother. But, boy, things have changed since I had my first daughter nine years ago. We are also at, what most mothers would call the “early children television phase.” I’m not against, obviously, television for babies. I consider this the “Oh my god, I’m going to be annoyed by stupid children’s programs for the next three to four years phase.”
I came home the other day and I recognized some men’s voices singing and when I walked into the living room I saw the Wiggles singing on television and I thought to myself, “We’re at THAT phase already?” I also thought, “The Wiggles have gone GREY!” When did the Wiggles go grey?
It sounds that I don’t love motherhood. But I do. I really love it more than anything. But along with what most mothers would consider “milestones” for their children, along comes “milestones” for mothers, and these include wearing rice cereal stained clothing that you don’t notice until you are in the middle of a meeting, having to baby proof the house so your house looks fit for an insane asylum, getting used to (and being very patient) listening to adult men dressed in ridiculous outfits driving a stupid car singing annoying songs on television, and knowing when you have to stop swearing in front of your baby.
Trust me, as your baby goes through stages, so will you. And your stages will be FAR less entertaining and interesting than your babies. (However, to see The Wiggles who are NOW GREY I found pretty darn entertaining.)
More from Rebecca Eckler:
Rebecca Eckler is one of Canada's most well-known journalists. She has been a columnist with the National Post, Canada's national newspaper, for five years, including a stint as a New York-based columnist and feature writer. She is the best-selling author of Knocked Up, Wiped!, Toddlers Gone Wild, How to Raise a Boyfriend and The Lucky Sperm Club. Rebecca lives in Toronto with her fiancé and family.
