Why Being A Mom Can Lead To Feeling Of Resentment

It’s not easy being a parent and if you aren’t careful resentment can creep into your relationship

The cold hard truth about parenting is that it isn’t always fun. I’m not talking solely about changing dirty diapers, or dealing with temper tantrums, or the two-hour long trying-to-get-them-to-eat-dinner nightly ritual.

I’m talking about how having a baby or toddler can take a toll on your relationship. Having a child with someone does bring you closer, in the sense that you have created another human together, but it can also be incredibly hard on your relationship.

Very few people will actually admit that once you have a child, your relationship can be fraught with resentment. In fact, the word “resentment” is one of many words that I’ve heard numerous times, but only AFTER I became a parent.

In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever used or heard the word “resentment” until I became a mother; I’ve never felt so much resentment, until I became a mother,

Just the other day, for example, I was talking to a woman who has two year old twins with her spouse and she was complaining about how she was the one who had to get up with the twins every day, then go to work every day and then put the twins to bed every night. “I just get so resentful,” she told me of her spouse.

Yeah, I’ve been there, on both sides. I’ve found myself resentful many times, especially when it comes to my toddler, when I get jealous that my spouse can work a full day, while I have to pick up my daughter after school (which really actually the middle of the afternoon) and then play with my toddler for hours until he gets home from work.

And my fiancé gets resentful of me, when he comes home and I say, “I’m exhausted. Can you put him to bed?” The problem is, whether it’s something as little as, “Can you get on his winter coat and grab the diaper bag?” to something bigger like, “Can you do bath and bedtime tonight?” I think, what happens, is that once one person in the relationship starts regularly doing certain things like bath time, or bed time, or getting your toddler out the door, of course they become resentful.

It’s hard not to feel resentful if you feel your partner is not doing as much as you are. Even worse is when you both become resentful of each other.

That’s why there are so many tit-for-tats in a relationship after having a baby. And, no, tit-for-tats are NOT good for a healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Resentment can get so bad that sometimes you find yourself saying, “Well, I put him to bed Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. Now it’s your turn! I’ve had it! It’s your fucking turn!”

The other issue is that someone has to do bedtime duty, feeding duty, diaper duty, and so if you say to your partner, “I just can’t do it tonight. I’ve had the longest day at work,” it puts your spouse in a position that they can’t get out of, because, as I’ve said, SOMEONE has to do it.

What I’ve learned is that almost every single person I know who has become a parent is at some point RESENTFUL of their partner for seemingly not doing enough when it comes to taking care of a baby or toddler.

It may not be true… but it is all about perception. I think I do so much for our toddler. My spouse thinks he does so much for our toddler. So now, my spouse and I do have conversations, almost like business meetings, and we have “days” when he puts the baby to sleep, and “days” when I put the baby to sleep.

I’ve also learned that you need to SPEAK UP if you feel you’re too overwhelmed to take care of your baby on a certain day or night. Your spouse is not a mind reader, after all. And, boy, do I hate the word resentment just as much as I hate feeling it.

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