5 F*cked up Things That Happen When You're Pregnant

Hello, heightened smell and lusty dreams

Everything about pregnancy is weird when you think about it. You’re growing a human being inside you, and that is a beautiful (and super strange) thing.

You’re making a person—what the hell is that about? Maybe it’s just me, but still, nine years later, I look at my first kid and can’t wrap my head around it. I am still deeply puzzled that I decided one day to make a person where no person previously existed, to which my body responded; “Don’t worry, I got this.”

How does my body know how to make people? What kind of sorcery is this? It’s all just so bizarre.

The thing about being pregnant is that everyone tells you the good stuff, lots of people tell you the bad stuff, but no one tells you the weird stuff. Today, I will be that person for you.

You’re welcome.

1. You will be able to smell all the things

Yes, everyone knows that you might have some aversions to particular smells, and that’s true. What no one tells you, though, is that if a mouse passes gas three towns over, you'll be able to smell it. You will realize that all of your closets are suddenly musty, that cleaners and scented candles are way too powerful, and that your partner should probably up their shower game.

2. You're more likely to orgasm in your sleep

I realize this is not exclusive to pregnancy, but it came as a pretty big surprise to me since it had never happened before, and stopped happening after I gave birth. This seems like a good thing, but I was on pelvic rest (a fancy name for no sex) at the time. I kept waking up saying, “Dammit, Marshall from How I Met Your Mother, I'm not supposed to be doing that...” (P.S.—sorry, Mom and Dad, when you read this article!) 

3. You’ll never feel like you’re the right size

Every pregnant woman I’ve talked to has received comments about how big or small they are for their gestation. Six months pregnant women get told they are ready to pop. I gave birth, and the maintenance man I talked to daily at work had no idea I was pregnant until I disappeared one day and he asked where I went. Apparently, my doubling in size was not suspicious to people. You will worry if people think you are too big, you will worry if people think you are too small, but the only person whose opinion on that that matters is your care provider. Everyone is different.

4. The gently surprising “Ooh, the baby just kicked” moments reach epic proportions in the third trimester

By the time you reach the final ten or so weeks, much of the subtle kicking has turned into something out of Alien. Your baby will put its head on your cervix and extend their feet into your ribs as hard as possible, and I am convinced they do it just to see the physical limits on your skin and internal organs. You don’t feel a little flutter when they roll over, your entire body shifts from one side to the other, and you get to watch it happening through your skin. It is simultaneously the coolest and creepiest part of pregnancy. In fairness, if I could start pregnancy right at this very moment, I would have another baby in a heartbeat, but it’s still uber weird.

5. Your feet grow

You may already have heard this one, but people make it sound like they grow a ¼ inch during pregnancy and then go back to normal after. Sorry friends, but it’s way more Hobbit-like than that. Mine grew a full inch with each pregnancy and never went back. I have gained two inches of feet due to pregnancy. That’s like the length of my big toe. No one told me that, so I’m telling you. Be sure to budget for new shoes.

Pregnancy is weird. It just is. I was prepared for bad, I was prepared for good, but I was not prepared for weird. There should be a book called “What to Expect When Your Body is Doing that Weird Thing it Does Whilst Making People,” but until then, I hope this list helps a little.

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