The Seven Pregnant Lady Pet Peeves I Can’t Get Over

Being pregnant is great, until one of these pet peeves happens. Then it gets a bit annoying

Being pregnant is so exciting! There’s nothing cooler than growing an entire human in your belly. Every day there’s a sense of accomplishment. You can feel superior to everyone else, just imagine: “I grew a teeny tiny set of kidneys before I even got out of bed. What did you do today?” That’s efficiency!

Even with that feeling of achievement, some parts of pregnancy really bothered me. In fact, I have a whole list of pregnancy pet peeves that irked me through my nine month journey to motherhood.

The communal bump

You take a pregnant belly out in public and everyone wants to touch it. It’s like going out with a new puppy or something. People start talking to it in high-pitched voices and fondling it enthusiastically. Sometimes they don’t even ask permission because like handling a strange dog, they seriously underestimate the risk of being bitten. STRANGER DANGER! Before pregnancy, your belly was your own. After you start to show, everyone is trying to stake a claim like it’s the Klondike or something.

The Spanish Inquisition

Everyone has at least twenty questions and you never agreed to play this game. “Was it planned? Did you have a hard time conceiving?” Why is everyone asking about my sex life? Do people not realize how rude it is to essentially ask, “Did you intend for your partner’s sperm to be present just after you ovulated? How often did you have sex?”

Red carpet commentary

Being pregnant is like being a celebrity. Everyone wants to talk about your body and what you’re wearing. “You look like you’re just about to pop!” is the last thing you want to hear when your maternity bra makes your growing boobs feel like watermelons crammed in a banana hammock. My trick? Practice saying, “No comment!”—it’s a great way to stop a conversation!

Secondhand horror stories

Just in case you don’t have enough anxiety and fears of your own, random strangers are always happy to chime in. Day to day social interactions start to sound like snippets from a What to Expect When You’re Expecting audiobook and all you want to do is press pause. When you’re pregnant, the only hand-me-downs you need are comfy but fashionable maternity wear.

Spoilers

Also known as “Just Wait until…” If we as a community can protect each other from the plot lines of the latest Star Wars installment, why can we not let a pregnant lady encounter the day she feels like a landlocked manatee in the sweltering summer heat without warning?  It’s like yelling, “Don’t go down the alley!” at the screen in a horror movie. It’s not going to make a bit of difference to the plot and it makes you sound ridiculous. There should be a rule about not narrating someone else’s pregnancy.

Blame it on the hormones

On the west coast, we blame it on the rain. When you’re pregnant, everyone blames it on the hormones. Feelings, opinions and closely held beliefs are all attributed to biology as if critical thinking is in some way skewed like your center of gravity by a bulging belly. There’s nothing worse than feeling minimized while your waistline is being maximized.

Everyone’s a critic

At least armchair quarterbacks can be muffled with a bowl of chips and some bean dip. Pregnancy turns family and friends into wannabe food critics. (Carrot) sticks and stones may break my bones, but a pregnant lady just wants to eat her potato chips in peace.

For all the things that drove me crazy about being pregnant, I’ve never felt more productive. I grew a beautiful baby, despite the irritation. I can laugh about it now, but if you think this list of grievances is unreasonable, you can just blame it on the hormones. And if one of your twenty nosy questions is “Will I do it again?” I have just one thing to say. 

“No comment.”

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